a last for a change

I know it's been forever since I had a real post, but as I've mentioned life is way more than crazy. So this maybe a little bit of a sad post. First of all, I have had the flu for 2 days now and I'm pretty sure it's the swine flu. The doctor said it was type A and that could mean plain old flu or swine flu, but considering that I've had my flu shot my bet's on swine flu. Even more heart wrenching is that I gave it to Georgia. My poor sweet baby has been running a fever, can't seem to sleep very well, and just plain isn't herself. She tested positive for flu as well. The doctor said Tylenol, rest, and fluids for both of us, but that sure doesn't seem to cut it when I hear her little voice in pain. Good luck to Pat, I suppose we'll see exactly how strong his immunity really is now.

Also, about 3 weeks ago the doctor told us that Georgia was not gaining weight fast enough and to start supplementing with formula. So we did for a week and she still only gained 2 oz. So we decided to wait it out a bit longer and ignore the doctor's advice to supplement after EVERY meal with an extra 2 oz. She was doing pretty well with that...but it did make me realize how very exhausted, stressed, and overworked I was becoming. So after a hard weekend of thinking and crying and deciding, tomorrow morning will be the last time that I get to breastfeed my Georgia. Oh great...her come my tears.

It's so strange. Before I got pregnant I was 100% not planning on breastfeeding at all, but then the scholar in me got to work on researching. After reading so many wonderful things that breastfeeding provides for a baby, from brain development to weight control to higher i.q. to bonding with the mother, there was no way that I could say no. So I read all that I could get my hands on and after a rocky start with her tongue tie, we breastfed successfully for almost 5 months. It breaks my heart now to think about the sweet coes that she makes when she's feeding and how she closes her eyes in comfort (not like the bottle when she is as wide-eyed as can be). I think about her gently stroking my arm as she eats....I know that this is time that I will always remember with my precious little peach and I am so sad to see it go. I love that baby girl more than I ever thought possible and I'm praying that the bond that we have made is unbreakable, even if we didn't make our 1 year goal.

I have to know that I did the right thing for her by feeding her for over 4 months and that she will be healthier and smarter for it. And now, I have to make sure I take care of me so that I can be a better mother for her. I just know that tomorrow morning will be the best and hardest moment of my time with her so far.